


Weary Ferryman

by demoka



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 11:27:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5415062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demoka/pseuds/demoka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charon is so sick of this shit. Crack fic! (Vague spoilers for Swan Song)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weary Ferryman

**Author's Note:**

> Wow that last ep truly was full of ridiculousness! I was inspired to write stupid crack by poor Charon's burden.

And once more the little bell next to the wheel rang, prompted by an unseen force. 

‘Yeah, yeah. I’m coming. Better be passengers this time,’ muttered a cloaked figure. 

Charon let out a sigh of exhaustion as he clambered into his boat, checking he had everything he needed before pushing off and making his way up the Styx and towards the Land of the Living. 

\-----

‘Finally,’ said Charon, resting his arms as the current carried him the rest of the way to the bank. 

As he looked up to see his passengers he groaned in exasperation. It was that same stupid group of people. The exact same people, who not more than a day or two ago fought off the Dark Ones in order to stay out of Hell, were now lining up waiting for him to take them to Hell. 

‘Oh hell no!’ declared Charon loudly. ‘I’ve had enough of Storybrooke, Maine! You people are the worst. How many times have I been summoned here only to return to Hell with an empty boat?’

‘I just want to save my boyfriend,’ said Emma. ‘I can’t shake my parents, nor my almost girlfriend, her boyfriend and my kid. And that’s my kinda father-in-law. He’s the Ultimate Dark One now.’

‘And you are telling me this why?’ 

‘Exposition?’ 

‘Unnecessary! Why do you all want to go to Hell now when only a couple of days ago all of you did not want to go? 

‘Do you people even have your fare this time? I don’t do freebies. You know what? No. None of you get on this boat. I am sick of ferrying temporary guests. Your town is the worst. Every time I come back with an empty boat or only temporary guests, it gets logged on my record. You know how I’ve kept this job for so long? I had a good record. Keyword being HAD! They’ve been questioning the books now because of you lot!’ yelled Charon.

Emma leaned back, but it did nothing to stop the rancid spittle landing on her face. Snow did her best to clean her daughter’s face with a baby wipe. 

‘I miss the days Xena was still around sending lots of lovely damned souls my way. Sure, she visited a few times, but she never wasted my time the way you lot have! I have quotas to fill too you know! I…’ he stopped for a moment when his eyes landed on the Mayor. ‘Hello, Regina. Nice to see you.’

Regina made a half curtsey, ‘Charon.’ 

‘I don’t get any more souls from your activities anymore.’ 

‘No, I’m not really in the killing business these days.’ 

‘Pity.’ 

‘You know _Charon_?’ 

‘Not now Henry.’

‘Mr Charon, may I get on now?’ asked Emma tentatively. 

**‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’**

\----- 

It took them three disgusting days to chew themselves out of the casing created by Charon’s dried up spit, because everyone else in town had assumed that they had been successful on their journey to the Underworld. 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Please see the LJ version to see how Charon's last line is supposed to look like.   
> http://demoka.livejournal.com/168325.html


End file.
